Alright, enough beating around the bush. I have to quit. I think all those entries were just to give me mental time to push back my quitting date. I can't avoid it anymore. Tonight I go Ambien-free.
I’ve “quit” Ambien before. I go on and off the medicine every year. It seems in winter, when it’s cold and I’m depressed, and school has taken over my life, I love to have my “little helper” there to get me through the days. Usually, by summer, I’ve quit. I move on to smoking pot to fall asleep, but I always have a deep, yearning desire for those few happy moments every night with Ambien. The times I have with Ambien often end up very bad, but I want that perpetual promise of nightly euphoria.
When I’ve quit in the past, it’s been very painful. Last time, I had crippling abdominal pain for weeks after quitting. The withdrawal was so bad that I couldn’t wear underwear—just a little bit of tightness made me feel like I’d been kicked in the gut.
I’m a cold turkey kind of guy. I know if I try to taper off, I will never make it. When I’ve attempted to faze Ambien out slowly, I always end up going back to the medicine every night. I have to cut myself off completely. I have to feel like shit in order to understand how this drug has completely warped my life.
Tonight, my goal is to NOT talk to myself all night. This is the problem with insomnia. My mind refuses to rest. I will replay the day’s events, imagine conversations I want to have, and examine every way I can play every detail of my life. The quiet at the end of the day scares me. I don’t like being left alone with my thoughts because I can never shut myself up, and I'm afraid of what I have to say.
Don’t tell me to try yoga or meditating or any other bullshit. It doesn’t work. Actually, trying not to think about thinking just makes everything worse. That is why I like the Ambien—it knocks me unconscious.
I’m going to skip the Ambien tonight. Lay my head down. Breathe slowly. And tell myself I can fall asleep. I know I will think about the Ambien, and how much I want it, for hours before I drift off into sleep. I will wake up tired and angry. My eyes will sag like crepe paper from a party nobody bothered to clean up after. Tomorrow, everyone will comment on how tired I seem. I won’t have the pep I like to bring to my daily life.
Tonight is going to suck.
