I wake up every morning and think “There is a part of my life, that I like, and that makes me a better person, that has been removed.” Ambien helped me handle my life better. It was more than the promise of sleep at the end of the day, because taking Ambien made me feel brighter and happier every single morning.
I realize now that Ambien was a replacement for normal, human interaction. It allowed me to become more “independent” in my mind, but I sacrificed the ability to make lasting relationships. Put simply, I wanted to sleep with Ambien more than I wanted to sleep with another man.
Now that David is here, I realize I took Ambien because I refused to accept love from others. Ambien was a way of loving myself. David has been so supportive of me through this process; he has dealt with so much of my bullshit, and has always been willing to hold me through the painful nights of Ambien-less sleep. I’m very blessed.
Finally, I think I am able to put this drug behind me. I always need to be calmed, and drugs were the easiest outlet. I want to love, and to be loved back. I didn’t find that in Ambien. I found that in David.
Every night the sleep has gotten better. I think I’m up to about 4 hours a night now! I don’t think I will ever be able to silence the voice in my head that says “Wouldn’t an Ambien be nice tonight?” however, I am much happier now than I’ve ever been in my life.
Thank you, David.
