Entry 12: Hallo Hallo!
Grandma Hermie and I have been here for 5 days, and we are having the time of our lives. Well, she is. I am having the time of my life as well as I can translate from German to English.
Hermie, of course, has reverted to speaking all German, all the time. I can understand her about 50% of the time, but that may be because she is kind enough to slow down her speech for me. I’ve gone out to the clubs a few times (Don’t worry, David!), and everyone thinks I’m German. It’s hard enough to understand German sober…
Anyway, I’ve got some news I want to share. I started taking Ambien again. Sorry David! I swear it is just for the trip. All the jet lag, plus being away from my bed, and not having my boyfriend to help me sleep… well, it’s all been very stressful. I fell asleep at lunch in front of Hermie. That is when I knew it was silly to deny myself sleep.
I don’t think it’s a big deal. When I get back to America I won’t take Ambien. I just need it right now to help me get through this trip.
Alright, I’ve got lots more sightseeing to do. I’ve got some clubs to go to as well. This should be fun. I’ll post pictures later!
Entry 11: Getting Better
So, a quick summary of what is going on:
1. I have had two full weeks with no Ambien! The abdominal pain has gone away. The vomiting has subsided. And, most importantly, I can sleep at night. It’s really wonderful to sleep without the help of a pill and without the fear of night terrors anymore.
2. It’s Facebook official. David and I are dating. He helped me through this process, and I know I wouldn’t have made it without him. I am a better person because of David. We still have separate apartments, but we pretty much spend every night together. I have never woken up next to a man who loves me, wants to hold me in his arms, and is willing to slog through the rough patches in order to have a strong relationship. I am very happy
3. I’m going to Berlin! Grandma Hermie wants to go see some of her kinfolk. I haven’t been in years! Last time I went it was all about the sex clubs (it is Berlin, after all). Hopefully, with Hermie, I will get to see more of the city during the day. It’s going to be a long trip. Two weeks. David can’t make it :(
4. Fuck Ambien! Being sober is much better!
Entry 10: Getting Closer
I wake up every morning and think “There is a part of my life, that I like, and that makes me a better person, that has been removed.” Ambien helped me handle my life better. It was more than the promise of sleep at the end of the day, because taking Ambien made me feel brighter and happier every single morning.
I realize now that Ambien was a replacement for normal, human interaction. It allowed me to become more “independent” in my mind, but I sacrificed the ability to make lasting relationships. Put simply, I wanted to sleep with Ambien more than I wanted to sleep with another man.
Now that David is here, I realize I took Ambien because I refused to accept love from others. Ambien was a way of loving myself. David has been so supportive of me through this process; he has dealt with so much of my bullshit, and has always been willing to hold me through the painful nights of Ambien-less sleep. I’m very blessed.
Finally, I think I am able to put this drug behind me. I always need to be calmed, and drugs were the easiest outlet. I want to love, and to be loved back. I didn’t find that in Ambien. I found that in David.
Every night the sleep has gotten better. I think I’m up to about 4 hours a night now! I don’t think I will ever be able to silence the voice in my head that says “Wouldn’t an Ambien be nice tonight?” however, I am much happier now than I’ve ever been in my life.
Thank you, David.
Entry 9: Quitting Sucks
I haven’t slept for three days.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.
I wake up every morning and vomit up the saliva in my stomach.
Quitting sucks.
David just took this video of me. He says my “little helper” is closer to a “devil on my shoulder,” and he wanted me to get rid of the little boogers.
Watch the video.
David, I’m so very sorry. I am so thankful to have somebody so supportive in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever known anybody so kind. It means a lot to me that you forgave me for what I did tonight. It means even more that you stayed, made sure I was safe, and curled up next to me in bed.
In the beginning, I know I said Ambien kept me from having any sort of lasting relationship. I was being honest. But now I’m going to be honest with myself, and with you, David: I need the promise of a relationship to get off this drug. You’re the first man who has ever shown me compassion.
I’m willing to quit this drug, if you are willing to be here with me David.
Alright, I think the Ambien is starting to kick in. I should be done typing.
This was my last Ambien.
Goodnight.
Entry 8: Withdrawal
Today, I would prefer to be dead. I woke up, delirious with withdrawal pain, and couldn’t even recall if I slept for one minute. I spent all last night face down in my pillow, trying not to think about thinking. This just made everything worse.
I think I need help.
My new friend David wants to help me get over my Ambien addiction (thank you David!). He has some experience in the field. And, those of you that know us… well, you know we’ve been seeing each other a lot. It should come as no surprise we are dating. Sorry we haven’t made it “Facebook official.”
When my brother was in the hospital, he told me that without me he wouldn’t have been able to make it. He needed the promise of someone to care about him, make sure he got clean, and to hold him accountable for his actions. We don’t ever talk about those times. Grandma Hermie never found out (don’t worry, she would never read this blog and find out either), and I’m happy to have a living, smiling, healthy brother.
Like him, I need help. David: are you ready to do this?